From a Child's Mouth...
Several years ago, when I lived in New York and flew to customer sites often, my wife would usually drop me off at Newark. airport and pick me up when I returned. On one trip, I was only going to be gone for a few days, so I drove myself, and parked the car at Newark.
When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at night. I wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort of my wife and my own bed. When I arrived, the storm was very loud, with crashing thunder and Severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children, Alex and Cindy , in bed with my wife, Carolyn, apparently scared by the loud storm.
I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
Points to Ponder
- The Bill of Rights (Void where prohibited by law)
- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
- A fool and his mone can throw one heck of a party.
- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
- Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Losing a wife/husband can be hard. In my case it was darn near impossible.
Life of a Government Worker
- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
- When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.
- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you to excel."
- Training is something spoken about but never seen.
- Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
- No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.
- Change is the norm.
- Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.
- The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
- You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.
Think About It
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
sms
ho nahi sakta mujhe apki yad na aye
bhul k v apko bhulu wo ehsas na aye
ap bhule to ap par koi anch na aye
aur agar main bhulu to mujhe agli saas na aay
LOVE"
Is the medicine of all kind of pains
BUT.....sure that!!!!
there is no kind of medicine in the world of pain given by LOVE...
Sometimes, I forget to say hi,
Sometimes, I even miss to reply,
Sometimes, my msg doesn't reach u,
But, it doesn't mean that I forget u,
I’m just giving u time to miss me!
Gabbar: Are O Samba, ye SMS parhnay wala
MONKEY hai k DONKEY?
Samba: sardar agr reply kia to
MONKEY, nahin kia to DONKEY, Abi pata chal jai ga.
Ur brain is special.
It has 2 parts LEFT and RIGHT.
In right, nothing LEFT.
In left, nothing RIGHT.
aapko har saans k saath yaad karte hai,
har kisi se sirf aapki hi baat karte hai
bus ab to zaldi se need aa jaye kyunki..
hum, sapne me bhi aapse mulakat karte hai.;;to my love Dolly Kher
if knowing u is wrong, i'll choose not 2 b right.
if loving u is a crime, i'll prefere 2 b called a criminal.
just 2 have you to myself
i wish to be a magic man so i can write ur name in the sky,
waters and on the moon....so dat any one who will look up to the sky,
drink the waters and watch the moon in the nite will see the kind of love i av 4 u.....
Muskurahat tum hi se milti hai,
Dard me rahat tum hi se milti hai.
Humse kabhi na ruthna mere dost,
hume jine ki chahat tumhi se milti hai.
Disappointment are like road hump,
they slow you down a bit but you enjoy .
the smooth road afterwards ..
Don't stay on the humps too long.
MOVE ON....
Taras Gaye ThodiSi Wafa Ke Liye,
KisiSe Pyar Na Karenge Khuda K Liye,
Jab Bhi Lagti Hai Ishq Ki Adalat,
Q Hum Hi Chune Jate Hai Saza K Liye?
between yesterday's mistakes n tomorrow hope,
there is a fantastic opportunity called 'TODAY'!!!
so live it in your own style, rock ur life.
Kya aap bor ho rahe hai ?
kuch karne ka mann ho raha hai ?
To
Chain kholo
haath andar dalo
Or
bag se book nikal kar padho.
bhul k v apko bhulu wo ehsas na aye
ap bhule to ap par koi anch na aye
aur agar main bhulu to mujhe agli saas na aay
LOVE"
Is the medicine of all kind of pains
BUT.....sure that!!!!
there is no kind of medicine in the world of pain given by LOVE...
Sometimes, I forget to say hi,
Sometimes, I even miss to reply,
Sometimes, my msg doesn't reach u,
But, it doesn't mean that I forget u,
I’m just giving u time to miss me!
Gabbar: Are O Samba, ye SMS parhnay wala
MONKEY hai k DONKEY?
Samba: sardar agr reply kia to
MONKEY, nahin kia to DONKEY, Abi pata chal jai ga.
Ur brain is special.
It has 2 parts LEFT and RIGHT.
In right, nothing LEFT.
In left, nothing RIGHT.
aapko har saans k saath yaad karte hai,
har kisi se sirf aapki hi baat karte hai
bus ab to zaldi se need aa jaye kyunki..
hum, sapne me bhi aapse mulakat karte hai.;;to my love Dolly Kher
if knowing u is wrong, i'll choose not 2 b right.
if loving u is a crime, i'll prefere 2 b called a criminal.
just 2 have you to myself
i wish to be a magic man so i can write ur name in the sky,
waters and on the moon....so dat any one who will look up to the sky,
drink the waters and watch the moon in the nite will see the kind of love i av 4 u.....
Muskurahat tum hi se milti hai,
Dard me rahat tum hi se milti hai.
Humse kabhi na ruthna mere dost,
hume jine ki chahat tumhi se milti hai.
Disappointment are like road hump,
they slow you down a bit but you enjoy .
the smooth road afterwards ..
Don't stay on the humps too long.
MOVE ON....
Taras Gaye ThodiSi Wafa Ke Liye,
KisiSe Pyar Na Karenge Khuda K Liye,
Jab Bhi Lagti Hai Ishq Ki Adalat,
Q Hum Hi Chune Jate Hai Saza K Liye?
between yesterday's mistakes n tomorrow hope,
there is a fantastic opportunity called 'TODAY'!!!
so live it in your own style, rock ur life.
Kya aap bor ho rahe hai ?
kuch karne ka mann ho raha hai ?
To
Chain kholo
haath andar dalo
Or
bag se book nikal kar padho.
just for read
Rejected Greeting Cards
You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.
You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
It's So True
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
- Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
You Know You Work for the Government If...
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.
Get Me One Too
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning".
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister".
You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.
You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
It's So True
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
- Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
You Know You Work for the Government If...
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.
Get Me One Too
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning".
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister".
just for read
Rejected Greeting Cards
You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.
You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
It's So True
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
- Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
You Know You Work for the Government If...
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.
Get Me One Too
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning".
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister".
You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.
You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
It's So True
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
- Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
You Know You Work for the Government If...
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.
Get Me One Too
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning".
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister".
thoughts
Flight Engineer in Panama
As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my air force flying career, my mother has been concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety.
But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: “KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM.”
The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
- The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
- Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
- Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
- You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
- If you have more toys than your kids
- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my air force flying career, my mother has been concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety.
But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: “KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM.”
The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
- The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
- Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
- Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
- You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
- If you have more toys than your kids
- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
have fun
Life After Death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Four-Word Story
Four-word story of employment: Hired, tired, mired, fired.
Mexican Bandit
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Apprentice Blacksmith
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
. Plane Crisis
A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.
Chemistry Defined
Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds,
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.
Preacher and Cab Driver
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
Wireless
"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." -- Albert Einstein
Chief and the Newbie
If the Chief and a Newbie both jumped out of a burning building at the same time, which one would hit the net first?
The Chief, because the Newbie would have to stop and ask for directions.
Soviet Journalist
A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
Political Corruption
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Four-Word Story
Four-word story of employment: Hired, tired, mired, fired.
Mexican Bandit
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Apprentice Blacksmith
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
. Plane Crisis
A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.
Chemistry Defined
Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds,
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.
Preacher and Cab Driver
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
Wireless
"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." -- Albert Einstein
Chief and the Newbie
If the Chief and a Newbie both jumped out of a burning building at the same time, which one would hit the net first?
The Chief, because the Newbie would have to stop and ask for directions.
Soviet Journalist
A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
Political Corruption
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
have fun
Life After Death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Four-Word Story
Four-word story of employment: Hired, tired, mired, fired.
Mexican Bandit
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Apprentice Blacksmith
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
. Plane Crisis
A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.
Chemistry Defined
Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds,
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.
Preacher and Cab Driver
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
Wireless
"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." -- Albert Einstein
Chief and the Newbie
If the Chief and a Newbie both jumped out of a burning building at the same time, which one would hit the net first?
The Chief, because the Newbie would have to stop and ask for directions.
Soviet Journalist
A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
Political Corruption
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Four-Word Story
Four-word story of employment: Hired, tired, mired, fired.
Mexican Bandit
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Apprentice Blacksmith
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
. Plane Crisis
A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.
Chemistry Defined
Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds,
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.
Preacher and Cab Driver
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
Wireless
"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." -- Albert Einstein
Chief and the Newbie
If the Chief and a Newbie both jumped out of a burning building at the same time, which one would hit the net first?
The Chief, because the Newbie would have to stop and ask for directions.
Soviet Journalist
A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
Political Corruption
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Friday, January 23, 2009
fun today
Dark, Dark
Wolf Encounter
Eating Out
Dress Code
Newest ArcaMax Comic -- "Mutts"
Dark, Dark
The girl walked into the dark, dark house through the dark, dark hall and down the dark, dark stairs to the dark, dark cellar where there was a dark, dark passageway at the end of which was a dark, dark room. Inside was a dark, dark cupboard and inside that was an electrician mending the fuse!
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Wolf Encounter
A tour guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.
"Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon."
"What did you do?" the little girl asked.
"What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage."
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Eating Out
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
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Dress Code
A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".
A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.
Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"
Wolf Encounter
Eating Out
Dress Code
Newest ArcaMax Comic -- "Mutts"
Dark, Dark
The girl walked into the dark, dark house through the dark, dark hall and down the dark, dark stairs to the dark, dark cellar where there was a dark, dark passageway at the end of which was a dark, dark room. Inside was a dark, dark cupboard and inside that was an electrician mending the fuse!
Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | | Send Story to a Friend | Top
Wolf Encounter
A tour guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.
"Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon."
"What did you do?" the little girl asked.
"What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage."
Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | | Send Story to a Friend | Top
Eating Out
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | | Send Story to a Friend | Top
Dress Code
A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".
A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.
Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"
fun
Miserable Cold
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
Shirt Phone
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
Dentist's Award
What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque.
Saving Time
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
Shirt Phone
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
Dentist's Award
What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque.
Saving Time
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
fun
Miserable Cold
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
Shirt Phone
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
Dentist's Award
What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque.
Saving Time
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
Shirt Phone
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
Dentist's Award
What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque.
Saving Time
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
Thursday, January 22, 2009
jokes for today
Three Measures
By three measures a manager is known:
- The thickness of the carpet in his offfice.
- The area of his desk.
- The volume of his car's engine.
Parrot Talk
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive
Double the Beer
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While chatting with the bartender the man says: "I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day."
"Really?!" says the bartender, "How?"
"Very simple. Just pour full glasses."
Tough Account
Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.
Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
By three measures a manager is known:
- The thickness of the carpet in his offfice.
- The area of his desk.
- The volume of his car's engine.
Parrot Talk
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive
Double the Beer
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While chatting with the bartender the man says: "I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day."
"Really?!" says the bartender, "How?"
"Very simple. Just pour full glasses."
Tough Account
Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.
Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
jokes
The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."
"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"
psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."
Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
- SCSI: System Can't See It
- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- DOS: Defunct Operating System
- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
- PnP: Plug and Pray
- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft
- DEC: Do Expect Cuts
- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
- CA: Constant Acquisitions
- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
- AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse
"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"
psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."
Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
- SCSI: System Can't See It
- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- DOS: Defunct Operating System
- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
- PnP: Plug and Pray
- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft
- DEC: Do Expect Cuts
- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
- CA: Constant Acquisitions
- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
- AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse
jokes
The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."
"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"
psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."
Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
- SCSI: System Can't See It
- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- DOS: Defunct Operating System
- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
- PnP: Plug and Pray
- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft
- DEC: Do Expect Cuts
- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
- CA: Constant Acquisitions
- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
- AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse
"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"
psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."
Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
- SCSI: System Can't See It
- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- DOS: Defunct Operating System
- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
- PnP: Plug and Pray
- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft
- DEC: Do Expect Cuts
- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
- CA: Constant Acquisitions
- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
- AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse
jokes
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. "I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's okay. I'll tell it really slow!"
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road
A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.
"In a closet," he repied. "I wanted to know what life really is."
"And have you found an answer?"
"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."
"That's all well and good," replied the colleage, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"
"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's okay. I'll tell it really slow!"
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road
A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.
"In a closet," he repied. "I wanted to know what life really is."
"And have you found an answer?"
"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."
"That's all well and good," replied the colleage, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"
"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."
jokes
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. "I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's okay. I'll tell it really slow!"
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road
A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.
"In a closet," he repied. "I wanted to know what life really is."
"And have you found an answer?"
"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."
"That's all well and good," replied the colleage, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"
"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's okay. I'll tell it really slow!"
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road
A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.
"In a closet," he repied. "I wanted to know what life really is."
"And have you found an answer?"
"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."
"That's all well and good," replied the colleage, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"
"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."
wml DTD
The Complete WML DTD:
class CDATA #IMPLIED">
"em | strong | b | i | u | big | small">
"%text; | %layout; | img | anchor | a | table">
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
"onenterforward %HREF; #IMPLIED
onenterbackward %HREF; #IMPLIED
ontimer %HREF; #IMPLIED"
>
"%flow; | input | select | fieldset">
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
newcontext %boolean; "false"
ordered %boolean; "true"
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%cardev;
%coreattrs;
>
type CDATA #REQUIRED
label %vdata; #IMPLIED
name NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
optional %boolean; "false"
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
type CDATA #REQUIRED
%coreattrs;
>
%coreattrs;
>
%cardev;
%coreattrs;
>
domain CDATA #IMPLIED
path CDATA #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
http-equiv CDATA #IMPLIED
name CDATA #IMPLIED
forua %boolean; #IMPLIED
content CDATA #REQUIRED
scheme CDATA #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
href %HREF; #REQUIRED
sendreferer %boolean; "false"
method (post|get) "get"
accept-charset CDATA #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
%coreattrs;
>
%coreattrs;
>
%coreattrs;
>
name %vdata; #REQUIRED
value %vdata; #REQUIRED
%coreattrs;
>
name %vdata; #REQUIRED
value %vdata; #REQUIRED
%coreattrs;
>
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
name NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
value %vdata; #IMPLIED
iname NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
ivalue %vdata; #IMPLIED
multiple %boolean; "false"
tabindex %number; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
value %vdata; #IMPLIED
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
onpick %HREF; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
name NMTOKEN #REQUIRED
type (text|password) "text"
value %vdata; #IMPLIED
format CDATA #IMPLIED
emptyok %boolean; "false"
size %number; #IMPLIED
maxlength %number; #IMPLIED
tabindex %number; #IMPLIED
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
name NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
value %vdata; #REQUIRED
%coreattrs;
>
alt %vdata; #REQUIRED
src %HREF; #REQUIRED
localsrc %vdata; #IMPLIED
vspace %length; "0"
hspace %length; "0"
align %IAlign; "bottom"
height %length; #IMPLIED
width %length; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
( #PCDATA | br | img | go | prev | refresh )*>
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
href %HREF; #REQUIRED
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
align CDATA #IMPLIED
columns %number; #REQUIRED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
%coreattrs;
>
( %text; | %layout; | img | anchor | a )*>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
align %TAlign; "left"
mode %WrapMode; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
class CDATA #IMPLIED">
"em | strong | b | i | u | big | small">
"%text; | %layout; | img | anchor | a | table">
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
"onenterforward %HREF; #IMPLIED
onenterbackward %HREF; #IMPLIED
ontimer %HREF; #IMPLIED"
>
"%flow; | input | select | fieldset">
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
newcontext %boolean; "false"
ordered %boolean; "true"
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%cardev;
%coreattrs;
>
type CDATA #REQUIRED
label %vdata; #IMPLIED
name NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
optional %boolean; "false"
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
type CDATA #REQUIRED
%coreattrs;
>
%coreattrs;
>
%cardev;
%coreattrs;
>
domain CDATA #IMPLIED
path CDATA #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
http-equiv CDATA #IMPLIED
name CDATA #IMPLIED
forua %boolean; #IMPLIED
content CDATA #REQUIRED
scheme CDATA #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
href %HREF; #REQUIRED
sendreferer %boolean; "false"
method (post|get) "get"
accept-charset CDATA #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
%coreattrs;
>
%coreattrs;
>
%coreattrs;
>
name %vdata; #REQUIRED
value %vdata; #REQUIRED
%coreattrs;
>
name %vdata; #REQUIRED
value %vdata; #REQUIRED
%coreattrs;
>
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
name NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
value %vdata; #IMPLIED
iname NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
ivalue %vdata; #IMPLIED
multiple %boolean; "false"
tabindex %number; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
value %vdata; #IMPLIED
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
onpick %HREF; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
name NMTOKEN #REQUIRED
type (text|password) "text"
value %vdata; #IMPLIED
format CDATA #IMPLIED
emptyok %boolean; "false"
size %number; #IMPLIED
maxlength %number; #IMPLIED
tabindex %number; #IMPLIED
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
name NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
value %vdata; #REQUIRED
%coreattrs;
>
alt %vdata; #REQUIRED
src %HREF; #REQUIRED
localsrc %vdata; #IMPLIED
vspace %length; "0"
hspace %length; "0"
align %IAlign; "bottom"
height %length; #IMPLIED
width %length; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
( #PCDATA | br | img | go | prev | refresh )*>
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
href %HREF; #REQUIRED
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
title %vdata; #IMPLIED
align CDATA #IMPLIED
columns %number; #REQUIRED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
%coreattrs;
>
( %text; | %layout; | img | anchor | a )*>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
align %TAlign; "left"
mode %WrapMode; #IMPLIED
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
xml:lang NMTOKEN #IMPLIED
%coreattrs;
>
wml variable
Variables
When a user switches from card to card in a deck, we need to store data in variables. WML variables are case sensitive.
Specify a Variable with the Setvar Command
When someone executes a task (like go, prev, and refresh), the setvar element can be used to set a variable with a specified value.
The following example will create a variable named i with a value of 500:
The name and value attributes are required.
Specify a Variable through an Input Element
Variables can also be set through an input element (like input, select, option, etc.).
The following example will create a variable named schoolname:
To use the variable we created in the example above:
When a user switches from card to card in a deck, we need to store data in variables. WML variables are case sensitive.
Specify a Variable with the Setvar Command
When someone executes a task (like go, prev, and refresh), the setvar element can be used to set a variable with a specified value.
The following example will create a variable named i with a value of 500:
The name and value attributes are required.
Specify a Variable through an Input Element
Variables can also be set through an input element (like input, select, option, etc.).
The following example will create a variable named schoolname:
To use the variable we created in the example above:
You selected: $(schoolname)
wml validator
Validating your WML
To help you validate your wml, we have used The Microsoft's XML parser to create a wml validator. Paste your wml in the text area, and validate it by pressing the validate button.
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Validating your WML file
You can also validate your wml files, simply by typing the url of your wml file and press the submit button
To help you validate your wml, we have used The Microsoft's XML parser to create a wml validator. Paste your wml in the text area, and validate it by pressing the validate button.
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Hello World!
Validating your WML file
You can also validate your wml files, simply by typing the url of your wml file and press the submit button
Thursday, January 15, 2009
wml task
A task specifies what action to perform when an event, like entering a card or selecting a link, occurs.
Go Task
The task represents the action of switching to a new card.
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Prev Task
The task represents the action of going back to the previous card.
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Refresh Task
The task refreshes some specified card variables. If any of the variables are shown on the screen, this task also refreshes the screen.
The example below uses an tag to add a "Refresh this page" link to the card. When the user clicks on the link, he or she refreshes the page and the value of the variable x will be set to 30:
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Noop Task
The task says that nothing should be done (noop stands for "no operation"). This tag is used to override deck-level elements.
The tag can be used to activate a task when the user clicks on a word/phrase on the screen.
The example below uses a tag to add a "Back" link to the card. When the user clicks on the "Back" link, he or she should be taken back to the previous card. But the tag prevents this operation; when the user clicks on the "Back" link nothing will happen:
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Go Task
The
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Go To TestPrev Task
Prev Task
The
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Previous Page
Refresh Task
The
The example below uses an
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Refresh this page
Noop Task
The
The
The example below uses a
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
wml task
A task specifies what action to perform when an event, like entering a card or selecting a link, occurs.
Go Task
The task represents the action of switching to a new card.
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Prev Task
The task represents the action of going back to the previous card.
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Refresh Task
The task refreshes some specified card variables. If any of the variables are shown on the screen, this task also refreshes the screen.
The example below uses an tag to add a "Refresh this page" link to the card. When the user clicks on the link, he or she refreshes the page and the value of the variable x will be set to 30:
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Noop Task
The task says that nothing should be done (noop stands for "no operation"). This tag is used to override deck-level elements.
The tag can be used to activate a task when the user clicks on a word/phrase on the screen.
The example below uses a tag to add a "Back" link to the card. When the user clicks on the "Back" link, he or she should be taken back to the previous card. But the tag prevents this operation; when the user clicks on the "Back" link nothing will happen:
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Go Task
The
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Go To TestPrev Task
Prev Task
The
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Previous Page
Refresh Task
The
The example below uses an
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Refresh this page
Noop Task
The
The
The example below uses a
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
wml timer
Timer
A WML card can be set up to use the timer function of WML. The time unit of the timer is 1/10 of a second.
The example below will display a message for 3 seconds, and then take you to the file "test.wml":
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
A WML card can be set up to use the timer function of WML. The time unit of the timer is 1/10 of a second.
The example below will display a message for 3 seconds, and then take you to the file "test.wml":
"http://www.wapforum.org/DTD/wml_1.1.xml">
Some Message
WAP software
WAP Company
Symbian was established as a private independent company in June 1998 and is owned by Ericsson, Nokia, Matsushita (Panasonic), Motorola, Psion, Siemens and Sony Ericsson. Symbian supplies the advanced, open, standard operating system - Symbian OS - for data-enabled mobile phones.
MobileDev - Wireless Application Development
MobileDev
MobileDev is the first Wireless Development Environment (WDE) specifically for WAP Internet applications. Its innovative open-ended development model integrates a graphical application mapper with a wizard interface and a rich tool set. MobileDev supports WAP technologies like WML, HDML, Microsoft Active Server Pages (ASP), Perl and Java Server Pages (JSP).
Using the GUI application mapper to show the relationships between objects, developers can quickly outline the components of a WAP application. Then they can take advantage of wizards that generate Decks and Cards in both WML and HDML, and use MobileDev's code builder to write WML/HDML syntax that complements the wizard-generated code. The integration of the application mapper with wizards and the code builder provides a seamless WDE that delivers results fast.
MobileDev comes complete with its own powerful integrated runtime engine, MobileDev Server Script. Server Script can quickly create prototypes or build full-blown business WAP applications that can be natively connected to an RDBMS. MobileDev WDE is also designed to support development in ASP, JSP, Perl or other template-based server technologies
Symbian was established as a private independent company in June 1998 and is owned by Ericsson, Nokia, Matsushita (Panasonic), Motorola, Psion, Siemens and Sony Ericsson. Symbian supplies the advanced, open, standard operating system - Symbian OS - for data-enabled mobile phones.
MobileDev - Wireless Application Development
MobileDev
MobileDev is the first Wireless Development Environment (WDE) specifically for WAP Internet applications. Its innovative open-ended development model integrates a graphical application mapper with a wizard interface and a rich tool set. MobileDev supports WAP technologies like WML, HDML, Microsoft Active Server Pages (ASP), Perl and Java Server Pages (JSP).
Using the GUI application mapper to show the relationships between objects, developers can quickly outline the components of a WAP application. Then they can take advantage of wizards that generate Decks and Cards in both WML and HDML, and use MobileDev's code builder to write WML/HDML syntax that complements the wizard-generated code. The integration of the application mapper with wizards and the code builder provides a seamless WDE that delivers results fast.
MobileDev comes complete with its own powerful integrated runtime engine, MobileDev Server Script. Server Script can quickly create prototypes or build full-blown business WAP applications that can be natively connected to an RDBMS. MobileDev WDE is also designed to support development in ASP, JSP, Perl or other template-based server technologies
introducton to wml
What is WML?
WML stands for Wireless Markup Language. It is a mark-up language inherited from HTML, but WML is based on XML, so it is much stricter than HTML.
WML is used to create pages that can be displayed in a WAP browser. Pages in WML are called DECKS. Decks are constructed as a set of CARDS.
What is WMLScript?
WML uses WMLScript to run simple code on the client. WMLScript is a light JavaScript language. However, WML scripts are not embedded in the WML pages. WML pages only contains references to script URLs. WML scripts need to be compiled into byte code on a server before they can run in a WAP browser.
What is WAP?
The wireless industry came up with the idea of WAP. The point of this standard was to show internet contents on wireless clients, like mobile phones.
WAP stands for Wireless Application Protocol
WAP is an application communication protocol
WAP is used to access services and information
WAP is inherited from Internet standards
WAP is for handheld devices such as mobile phones
WAP is a protocol designed for micro browsers The Wireless Application Protocol
The WAP protocol is the leading standard for information services on wireless terminals like digital mobile phones.
The WAP standard is based on Internet standards (HTML, XML and TCP/IP). It consists of a WML language specification, a WMLScript specification, and a Wireless Telephony Application Interface (WTAI) specification.
WAP is published by the WAP Forum, founded in 1997 by Ericsson, Motorola, Nokia, and Unwired Planet. Forum members now represent over 90% of the global handset market, as well as leading infrastructure providers, software developers and other organizations. You can read more about the WAP forum at our WAP Forum page.
WAP Micro Browsers
To fit into a small wireless terminal, WAP uses a Micro Browser.
A Micro Browser is a small piece of software that makes minimal demands on hardware, memory and CPU. It can display information written in a restricted mark-up language called WML.
Examples of WAP use
Checking train table information
Ticket purchase
Flight check in
Viewing traffic information
Checking weather conditions
Looking up stock values
Looking up phone numbers
Looking up addresses
Looking up sport results
The Micro Browser can also interpret a reduced version of JavaScript called WMLScript.
WAP enables the creating of web applications for mobile devices.
WAP uses the mark-up language WML (not HTML)
WML is defined as an XML 1.0 application
These are frequently asked question about WAP:
What is WAP?
Who is WAP for?
How does WAP relate to standardization bodies?
How is WAP related to Internet standards?
What is the status of WAP?
What is the future of WAP?
WML stands for Wireless Markup Language. It is a mark-up language inherited from HTML, but WML is based on XML, so it is much stricter than HTML.
WML is used to create pages that can be displayed in a WAP browser. Pages in WML are called DECKS. Decks are constructed as a set of CARDS.
What is WMLScript?
WML uses WMLScript to run simple code on the client. WMLScript is a light JavaScript language. However, WML scripts are not embedded in the WML pages. WML pages only contains references to script URLs. WML scripts need to be compiled into byte code on a server before they can run in a WAP browser.
What is WAP?
The wireless industry came up with the idea of WAP. The point of this standard was to show internet contents on wireless clients, like mobile phones.
WAP stands for Wireless Application Protocol
WAP is an application communication protocol
WAP is used to access services and information
WAP is inherited from Internet standards
WAP is for handheld devices such as mobile phones
WAP is a protocol designed for micro browsers The Wireless Application Protocol
The WAP protocol is the leading standard for information services on wireless terminals like digital mobile phones.
The WAP standard is based on Internet standards (HTML, XML and TCP/IP). It consists of a WML language specification, a WMLScript specification, and a Wireless Telephony Application Interface (WTAI) specification.
WAP is published by the WAP Forum, founded in 1997 by Ericsson, Motorola, Nokia, and Unwired Planet. Forum members now represent over 90% of the global handset market, as well as leading infrastructure providers, software developers and other organizations. You can read more about the WAP forum at our WAP Forum page.
WAP Micro Browsers
To fit into a small wireless terminal, WAP uses a Micro Browser.
A Micro Browser is a small piece of software that makes minimal demands on hardware, memory and CPU. It can display information written in a restricted mark-up language called WML.
Examples of WAP use
Checking train table information
Ticket purchase
Flight check in
Viewing traffic information
Checking weather conditions
Looking up stock values
Looking up phone numbers
Looking up addresses
Looking up sport results
The Micro Browser can also interpret a reduced version of JavaScript called WMLScript.
WAP enables the creating of web applications for mobile devices.
WAP uses the mark-up language WML (not HTML)
WML is defined as an XML 1.0 application
These are frequently asked question about WAP:
What is WAP?
Who is WAP for?
How does WAP relate to standardization bodies?
How is WAP related to Internet standards?
What is the status of WAP?
What is the future of WAP?
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