Thursday, February 26, 2009





For an Indian, Electricity outage is not a big thing, but across the world, it is non-extinct. I have been living in US for few years now, and I would say that I have not witnessed it more than a couple of times and that too due to circumstances like storm or whirlwinds.
India has to take drastic steps in this area rapidly. It has a serious shortage, and India’s fast paced growth is not helping it either. India must build hundreds of new power plants over the next five years to end the massive electricity shortages. Infact, India’s economic growth is under threat, if India is not able to overcome this problem.


Currently, the Electricity shortage is around 25% during peak hours, causing frequent outages and forcing shutdowns at factories and businesses.
There are couple of important reasons why India’s electric generation capacity has not improved, even though this sector has been privatized by Indian Government for more than 10 years now.
1) Very few companies have invested in India due to regulatory bottlenecks.
2) India has to cater to huge amount of Electricity theft.
Most of India’s electricity is currently generated by coal-fired power plants, but the country also has some hydroelectric and nuclear generating capacity.

Provide urban amenities in rural areas”— this was the former President, Mr A. P. J. Abdul Kalam’s challenging vision for rural India. Road connectivity and electricity to all of the country’s six lakh villages denote the starting point for turning Mr Kalam’s vision into reality.
Two large national programmes are currently underway — the Prime Minister’s Rural Roads Programme (Pradhan Mantri Gram Sadak Yojana) and the Rural Electrification Programme (Grameen Vidyutikaran Yojana) named after Rajiv Gandhi. Also, the current Plan for the power sector is structured around the aim of “Electricity for all by 2012”.
The money invested in the roads programme could make an immediate impact on rural lives, but the case of electricity is complex. The scepticism springs from three factors.
Shocking trends
First, power shortages are worsening, hardly an encouraging sign for a country aiming to take electricity within reach of over 80 million more households (40 per cent of total) within the next four years. The all-India energy and ‘peak power’ shortages increased by a percentage point each in April-May this year compared to the corresponding period in 2007.
Second, the capacity-addition programme, already behind by about two years as of March 2007, is trailing the targets in the current Eleventh Plan as well. On latest indications, just around 25 per cent of the meticulously calculated five-year target of 78,577 MW will be added in the first two years of the Plan . Barring a miracle, electricity shortages will, therefore, continue beyond 2012. Compounding these two negatives is the positive trend of rising urban incomes. Why this should impact rural electricity adversely will need some elaboration, but first a look at the current status of village electrification.
Village electrification
About 105,000 villages of the total 593,732 (17.8 per cent) remained to be electrified as of March 2008. The Rural Electrification Corporation, a central undertaking, is co-ordinating the Grameen Vidyutikaran Yojana and as most target-driven, adequately-funded programmes gain added momentum nearing the deadline, the remaining gap can be substantially bridged by 2012.
However, connecting villages to the grid is quite distinct from actually delivering electricity to the rural population. For this, average hours of supply to villages already connected provide a reliable index. Sample data collected for a study on rural infrastructure by the National Council of Applied Economic Research in 2001 — a period when electricity shortages were at much the same levels as now — placed the average electricity ‘outages’ across states in rural areas round the year at almost 14 hours per day.
Bad enough as they are, such average numbers conceal the highly undependable and erratic nature of the supply which discourages rural households, short on purchasing power, from taking power connections.
Barring a few States that are better off electricity-wise (Chhattisgarh, Himachal Pradesh, Uttarakhand) conditions remain much the same today in most others. Maharashtra, now under severe power shortage, provides an illustration. The ‘load shedding schedule’ in force provides for daily power cuts of 10-12 hous in agriculture-dominated regions compared to three to six-and-a-half hours in other regions. In better-off States, rural areas suffer other forms of neglect. Tamil Nadu, normally free from power cuts, is carrying waiting lists of more than four lakh applications for rural power connections, some pending for over 20 years.
CII-Pune Model
Rural electricity supply will not improve until overall shortages are eliminated. The growing affluence in select urban centres is a factor to be considered. In a deficient supply environment, there is demonstrated willingness on the part of urban consumers to bear additional charges if they are provided with ‘round the clock’ supply.
The entry of competitive forces into the sector and the electricity trading facility now in place make this increasingly feasible.
Not surprisingly, Maharashtra set the trend three years ago with the so-called “CII-Pune model” that insulated consumers in that city from ‘load-shedding’ by using industrial captive power to support the grid when needed. In addition to the normal tariff applicable, consumers benefiting from the arrangement bear a ‘reliability charge’ at a rate set by the regulator.
In a significant recent change occasioned by rising demand that made the captive power support inadequate, the regulator has now authorised procuring of 100 MW (twice the quantum that captive power offered) for 12 hours daily from a private generating company in Maharashtra itself. This arrangement will continue till May 2009 ensuring that Pune remains free of ‘load-shedding’.
Paying more for assured supply
Three more circles in Maharashtra have followed suit. To ensure ‘zero load-shedding’, Thane and Vashi (the latter covering the Navi Mumbai area) will purchase additional power of 175 MW through an ‘electricity trader’ by import from outside the State. The third case is of Baramati town which will adopt the original Pune model, of saving consumers from ‘load-shedding’ by drawing on industrial captive power. In all these cases, the ‘reliability charge’ would increase the average domestic tariff by around 10 per cent which the consumers find affordable. (Low-end domestic consumers are exempted from the charge).
Gurgaon, Haryana is likely to be the next to join this league and several other cities will be sure to follow. Consumers’ paying more for assured supply fits in with economic theory. The market signals will steadily encourage new investments in capacity until equilibrium is reached. Judging by the flurry of activity in promoting new private power plants, this seems to be happening already.
The point is this: The gap between supply and demand is too wide and the gestation period of new projects is too long, so in the interim period till capacity draws level with demand, the additional power drawn will mean that much less supply to some other category.
About 10,700 MW of the Eleventh Plan target capacity-addition (14 per cent of total) is to come from the private sector, several of them wholly of the ‘merchant power’ variety or plants that earmark a share of their capacity for lucrative ‘trading’ purposes. An increasing proportion of the added capacity will thus be siphoned off by cities seeking uninterrupted supply.
Chances, therefore, are that the village electrification programme will take the wires to the villages, but energy flows will remain meagre. This makes it a matter of utmost urgency for rural households that overall electricity shortages are overcome fastest. But, given the scale of shortages to be overcome, even the ‘fastest’ route will stretch beyond the short term.
This urgency got hardly any notice in the controversy and debate over the Indo-US nuclear cooperation agreement with which the issue has a linkage. In “Reflections on the power mix”, Business Line, July 19), this writer had argued that in order to bridge the demand-supply gap in a reasonable time-frame, the shelf of projects under execution needed to be significantly enlarged and further that increased nuclear power would fit into this scheme.
This was because coal-based plants, the mainstay for base-load power supply, were particularly prone to delays in implementation and nuclear plants could provide the needed additional volumes.
Shut out the nuclear option and the base-load supply would need to come almost wholly from coal. With all the problems in the coal sector (and port congestion if coal imports are to be increased substantially) this would mean that the shortage regime will prolong. So will Rural India’s wait for reliable electricity supply.
“Electricity for all by 2012” is no longer a realistic aim. For reaching electricity to rural homes, the hard choice now is between the medium term and the long term. As the country’s nuclear isolation could be ending soon, an opportunity opens up to ensure that the better





Electricity is the flow of electrical power or charge. It is a secondary energy source which means that we get it from the conversion of other sources of energy, like coal, natural gas, oil, nuclear power and other natural sources, which are called primary sources. The energy sources we use to make electricity can be renewable or non-renewable, but electricity itself is neither renewable or non-renewable.
Electricity is a basic part of nature and it is one of our most widely used forms of energy. Many cities and towns were built alongside waterfalls (a primary source of mechanical energy) that turned water wheels to perform work. Before electricity generation began over 100 years ago, houses were lit with kerosene lamps, food was cooled in iceboxes, and rooms were warmed by wood-burning or coal-burning stoves. Beginning with Benjamin Franklin's experiment with a kite one stormy night in Philadelphia, the principles of electricity gradually became understood. Thomas Edison helped change everyone's life -- he perfected his invention -- the electric light bulb. Prior to 1879, direct current (DC) electricity had been used in arc lights for outdoor lighting. In the late-1800s, Nikola Tesla pioneered the generation, transmission, and use of alternating current (AC) electricity, which can be transmitted over much greater distances than direct current. Tesla's inventions used electricity to bring indoor lighting to our homes and to power industrial machines.
Despite its great importance in our daily lives, most of us rarely stop to think what life would be like without electricity. Yet like air and water, we tend to take electricity for granted. Everyday, we use electricity to do many jobs for us -- from lighting and heating/cooling our homes, to powering our televisions and computers. Electricity is a controllable and convenient form of energy used in the applications of heat, light and power.

electicity in india


Electricity in India
Electricity in India is 240 Volts, alternating at 50 cycles per second. You will require a voltage converter if you are carrying a device that does not accept 240 Volts at 50 Hertz. To adjust your device according to the power and voltage in India, the following three types of Voltage converters may be used:

Resistor-network converters
This type of converter usually supports approximately 50 -1600 Watts. They are lightweight. You can easily use this converter for high-wattage electrical appliances like hair dryers and irons. But, you can use them for short periods only and they are not ideal for digital devices.
Transformers
Transformers support low watt rating, around 50 – 100 Watts. Generally, you can use them continuously. Also, they provide better electricity for low wattage appliances like battery chargers, radios, laptop computers, cameras, mp3 players and camcorders. Their drawback is the low wattage and heavy weight.
Combination converters
Combination converters are also manufactured by some companies. They are a combination of a resistor network and a transformer in the same package. You can easily switch between the two modes. If you need both types of converters, then it is better to buy this combination converter.
Outlets in India generally accept the following types of plug:
· Two round pins
· Three round pins arranged in a triangle
If your appliances plug has any other shape, you will need a plug adapter. If you plan to travel a lot in the future, it is better to get a combination voltage converter and a plug adapter.

jokes

Social Workers
A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?"

The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."

The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."


Drunk Driving
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

Psychiatrist vs. Psychologist
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?

If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

Physics Student
A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He fainted, but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers were worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only half m v squared."

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Different power plant

Different Types of
Power Plant
Steam power plants use fuels such as petroleum, coal, or biomass are burned to heat water to create steam, the pressure of the steam spins a turbine turning the copper wire inside the generator.

Geothermal power plants are steam power plants that tap into steam released from the earth. Once used the water is returned to the ground.

Gas power plants use fuels that are burned to create hot gases to spin the turbine.

Nuclear power plants
Nuclear generators use nuclear fission to turn water into steam. This drives the steam turbine, which spins a generator to produce power. A pound of highly enriched uranium can power a nuclear submarine or generator to produce power. A pound of highly enriched uranium can power a nuclear submarine or nuclear aircraft carrier is equal to something on the order of a million gallons of gasoline.

Wind power plants use the wind to push against the turbine blades, spinning the copper wires inside the generator to create an electric current.

Hydroelectric dams use falling (or flowing) water to spin the turbine blades.

Coal plants burn coal to drive a steam engine. Coal is plentifull, but the collateral damage is extreme.

Fossil fuel power plants burn oil to drive a steam engine. Burning fossil fuels is increasingly expensive, and highly polluting. Oil supplies will run very thin in the coming decades.

nuclear power today

Nuclear Power Today
Nuclear generation began 50 years ago and now generates as much global electricity as was produced then by all sources. Some two-thirds of world population lives in nations where nuclear power plants are an integral part of electricity production and industrial infrastructures. Half the world's people live in countries where new nuclear power reactors are in planning or under construction. Thus, a rapid expansion of global nuclear power would require no fundamental change - simply an acceleration of existing strategies.
Today nearly 440 nuclear reactors produce electricity around the world. More than 15 countries rely on nuclear power for 25% or more of their electricity. In Europe and Japan, the nuclear share of electricity is over 30%. In the U.S., nuclear power creates 20% of electricity.
Around the world, scientists in more than 50 countries use nearly 300 research reactors to investigate nuclear technologies and to produce radioisotopes for medical diagnosis and cancer therapy. Meanwhile, on the world's oceans, nuclear reactors have powered over 400 ships without harm to crews or the environment.
In the Cold War's aftermath, a key activity is the removal of nuclear material from weapons and its conversion to fuel for civil nuclear power.
Strong Nuclear Policies
Many countries have a strong commitment to nuclear power. Among these are China, India, the United States, Russia and Japan, which together represent half of world population. Other nations - such as Argentina, Brazil, Canada, Finland, South Korea, South Africa, Ukraine and several other countries in Central and Eastern Europe - are acting to increase the role of nuclear power in their economies. Key developing nations without nuclear power - such as Indonesia, Egypt and Vietnam - are considering this option.
Nuclear power provides energy independence and security of supply. France, with 60 million people, obtains over 75% of its electricity from nuclear power and is the world's largest net exporter of electricity. Italy's 60 million people have no nuclear power and are the world's largest importers of electricity
A Superb Record of Nuclear Safety
Although Chernobyl blemished the image of nuclear energy, the accident's positive legacy is an even stronger system of nuclear safety worldwide. In 1989, the nuclear industry established the World Association of Nuclear Operators (WANO) to foster a global nuclear safety culture. Through private-sector diplomacy, WANO has built a transnational network of technical exchange that includes all countries with nuclear power. Today every nuclear power reactor in the world is part of the WANO system of operational peer review. The aim of WANO's peer-review system standards set by the UN's International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA).
Advances in safety practice are unmistakable. At most plants worldwide, reportable safety-related 'events' are now near zero. National and international insurance laws assign responsibility to nuclear plant operators. In the U.S. for example, reactor operators share in a 'pooled' private insurance system that has never cost taxpayers a penny.
Today, nuclear power plants have a superb safety record - both for plant workers and the public. In the transport of nuclear material, highly engineered containers - capable of withstanding enormous impact - are the industrial norm. More than 20,000 containers of spent fuel and high-level waste have been shipped safely over a total distance exceeding 30 million kilometres. During the transport of these and other
radioactive substances - whether for research, medicine or nuclear - there had never been a harmful radioactive release.
Facts on Radiation
Radiation is release naturally from the ground and atmosphere in all places on Earth. This 'natural background' radiation, which varies considerable from region to region, is part of the environment to which all human beings are conditioned. Like many things, radiation can be both beneficial and harmful. Large doses are dangerous. Abundant evidence indicates that small doses are harmless.
The radiation produced within the core of nuclear reactors is similar to natural radiation but more intense. At nuclear power plants, protective shielding isolates this radiation, allowing millions of people to live in safety nearby. Typically, the radiation people receive comes 90% from nature and 10% from medical exposures. Radiation exposure from nuclear power is negligible.

jokes

Farmer in the Big City
A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"
Christmas and Hallowen
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?

Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

New Drug
A new drug for Yuppies: It doesn't give a false sense of security or relaxation -- it makes you enjoy being tense.

Unfair Payment
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and, after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Monday, February 23, 2009

things u know

Perestroika
A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender.

"One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!"

"Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika."

Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."
Tough Job
Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
Modern Art
How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.
Are you qualified to this job?
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.



Yellow Teeth
Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?"

Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."

Chicken Advice
The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.

"Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down."

After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My chickens continue to die. What shall I do?"

"Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure".

A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: "My chickens are still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?"

"I can give you more and more advice," answered the consultant. "The real question is whether you have more chickens."

A Chemical is a Substance that:
- An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.

- An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.

- A physical chemist turns into a straight line.

- A biochemist turns into a helix.

- A chemical engineer turns into a profit.

Astrology vs. Economics
Why has astrology been invented?

So that economics could be an accurate science.
Wireless is Like a Cat
"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." -- Albert Einstein
Mathematician, Physicist, and Engineer
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

Ulcer
A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field."

Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"
Kangaroo Play
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, "Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today, I hate it when the children play inside."
How to Be Annoying
* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

* Drum on every available surface.

* Sing the Batman theme constantly.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.

* Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Set alarms for random times.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

America's Unique
- Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

- Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

- Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

- Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

- Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



Nauseous Commuter
Robin came home from her first day commuting into the city. Noticing that Robin was looking a little peaked, she asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," Robin replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," Robin replied, "there was no one there."
Real Users
- Real users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.

- Real users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.

- Real users never use the Help key.

- Real users never stop asking new options.

- Real users never know what to do with new options.

Bad News
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Brave Firefighters
One night , in a sleepy town a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approached the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

At that,the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company's secret files.

In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old timers hopping off their rig , fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.

Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers , the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money.

The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. "First thing we 'll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"


Waiting for the Bus
A person was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol building, the person asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the person is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The person replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Hiccups Cure
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Three Wishes
Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

Responsible
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

things to secure

Miracle Diet

An overweight clerk consulted the doctor for advice. The doctor advised that the clerk run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would burn off as much as twenty pounds.

The clerk follows the doctor's advice and, after thirty days, was pleased to note a loss of twenty pounds.

The clerk phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, there was one last question:

"How do I get home, since I'm now 300 miles away?"

Cup Holder
Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?

HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?

HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

The Three Laws of Secure Computing
1) Don't buy a computer.

2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.

3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

Cliches
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of a joke?"





Got Any Grapes
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''


Purple Monkey
A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222." The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.

The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs...the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.

Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.

The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!"

The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it.
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You Know You're Growing Older When
- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

- You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

- You get winded playing chess.

- Your children begin to look middle-aged.

- You join a health club and don't go.

- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.

- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

- Dialing long distance wears you out.

things to remember

Three Envelopes
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".


Language
"A language is a dialect with an army and a navy."

Three Questions
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

Mistake
A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Waiting for the Bus
A person was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol building, the person asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the person is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The person replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Hiccups Cure
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Three Wishes
Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

Responsible
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Friday, February 20, 2009

funny stories

King of the Jungle?
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
Fishcakes
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm.

"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.

"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.

"Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday."
Male assertiveness
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.
Meeting the Big Guy
A rich American tourist was holidaying overseas, and was intent on seeing the Big Guy. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Big Guy would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Big Guy made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Big Guy then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Big Guy would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Big Guy and hopefully exchange a few words. The Big Guy was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here?!"

jokes for u

The Verge
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"

Another child said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

Judge's Announcement
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

"The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.

"In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

Hunting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


Weddings and Funerals
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Yard Work
The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

Washington, D. C.
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

Absent-minded professor
One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

Monday, February 9, 2009

About Cookies

What are cookies? Cookies are small text files that are delivered by a Web site to a user; the user returns the cookie to the original web site during a web session. Cookies are a way for a site to store user data, to tell the site that you have returned to the page again. Cookies are stored on the user's hard drive and during an active session cookies are stored in memory. "A Web site may set an expiration date for a cookie it delivers. If no expiration date is specified, the cookie is deleted when the user quits Netscape Navigator."

Examples of cookie use would be like items bought on line from a shopping cart or personal information like passwords or addresses for sites that require a log in (otherwise this information would need to be provided each log in). "Cookies are designed to be read only by the site that provides them, not by other sites."

What cookies can't do is read data on a hard drive, only information generated by the user. Cookies are non executable or unable to deliver viruses, Cookies aren't necessary to collect user information. Server administrators can create databases to track user information.

What are the down side of cookies? Cookies save time, helping sites "remember" who you are or products bought during an on-line shopping session but....

Don't want cookies? In Netscape, go to the "Edit" menu; click on Preferences and highlight "Advanced" under the "Category" box. Choose the option you desire, ranging from "Accept all cookies" to "Disable cookies."

Use of Cookies

The SANCTR Web site use "cookies" to help you personalize your online experience. A cookie is a text file that is placed on your hard disk by a Web page server. Cookies cannot be used to run programs or deliver viruses to your computer. Cookies are uniquely assigned to you, and can only be read by a web server in the domain that issued the cookie to you.

One of the primary purposes of cookies is to provide a convenience feature to save you time. The purpose of a cookie is to tell the Web server that you have returned to a specific page. For example, if you personalize SANCTR pages, or register with SANCTR site or services, a cookie helps SANCTR to recall your specific information on subsequent visits. This simplifies the process of recording your personal information, such as billing addresses, shipping addresses, and so on. When you return to the same SANCTR Web site, the information you previously provided can be retrieved, so you can easily use the SANCTR features that you customized.

You have the ability to accept or decline cookies. Most Web browsers automatically accept cookies, but you can usually modify your browser setting to decline cookies if you prefer. If you choose to decline cookies, you may not be able to fully experience the interactive features of the SANCTR services or Web sites you visit.

Value of MBA

In difficult economic times, going back to school to build new skills -- and make yourself more attractive to future employers -- becomes extremely popular, even for people with full-time jobs. MBAs are especially popular since the degree is usually meant to prepare someone for more advanced, leadership roles in business (or even government). But is an MBA degree worth the extra years of schooling -- especially when you could be spending that time working full-time?
At first glance, the numbers indicate that the answer is a definite yes. A recent survey of accounting/financial workers of varying skill and seniority levels found that CFOs without a degree had an average salary of only $38,920, those with a Bachelors Degree earned $88,836, and MBAs earned an average of $104,284. The return on investment for an MBA certainly seems worthwhile.

Factors to Keep in Mind

There are some other factors to consider, though. For instance, nearly any advanced degree will earn you more money over the long haul -- MBAs are not unique in that regard. So the question then becomes whether an MBA is the degree you really need. Perhaps your skills and goals would be better served by earning a CPA or just a financial planning certification. Money isn't everything -- first and foremost, look at the skills you want to develop and the career goals you've set.
Another thing to remember is that the salary figures quoted above are fairly flexible and can vary widely based on a number of factors. For instance, the type of work you're going into can make a huge difference; consulting jobs will often pay more than finance/accounting jobs, though each could have a different compensation/bonus structure. Your previous experience also speaks volumes. If you're fresh out of business school and go hunting for an investment banking job after years in a marketing firm, odds are good that your starting salary will be much lower than someone with greater comparable experience.

A Mountain of MBA Potential

The numbers are still very persuasive. Statistics from the Graduate Management Admissions Council (the folks who administer the GMAT) indicate that in many cases someone's pre- and post-MBA salary can jump 50% or more. For example, someone working in marketing making an average of $42,000 before getting their MBA can make an average of $80,000 after receiving their degree. That's nearly doubling your money!
An MBA may not be equivalent to a lottery ticket, but the odds are good that your earnings will increase after earning your degree -- making those extra years of school worthwhile. Just be sure that you're pursuing the right degree for the right reasons and, of course, good luck with that graduate school application!

Distance MBA

A Distance Learning MBA Makes You Marketable

One of the main rules of the job search is that you must be able to market yourself. Employers need to see what puts you a cut above the rest of the job-seekers who are vying for the same position. They want to know what makes you viable and unique. If you want to know what makes you invaluable to an employer, you may consider getting a distance learning MBA.


It is always good to know a little bit about everything. However, it can be much more advantageous to know a great deal about one thing – your discipline. A distance learning MBA helps you to become an expert in your line of work. It makes you more valuable to businesses.

You can stay ahead in the corporate world by earning a distance learning MBA through learning new business procedures and methods.


The knowledge you acquire through an online master?s program can be applied to decisions that need to be made on your job and in everyday life. You will become equipped with tools that lead to better corporate strategies, decision-making, and policies. When you use these tools on the job, you will impact your entire work environment with your knowledge.

The advancement opportunities are tremendous for those with advanced degrees like a distance learning MBA. Investing in your career could lead to raises and promotions. With your expertise, you will be eligible to climb higher up the corporate ladder. Most managers, top executives, and CEO?s have reached those positions because they have attained sophisticated degrees in their line of work. They steadily rose from an entry-level employee. Each subsequent step led to higher and higher ranks within the company until they finally reached the height of their careers.

Yet, moving up the corporate ladder is not your only option when moving ahead in the workforce. Many people become entrepreneurs and start their own businesses. The knowledge that you gain from pursuing a master?s degree is focused and in-depth. Many people take this knowledge and start their own careers from the ground up. This gives them the freedom to do something they love and work for themselves at their own pace.

An enormous benefit of earning a distance learning MBA is that you can tailor the curriculum to fit your specific needs. You can choose which courses you want to take so that you can enhance your educational experience. You select courses that apply specifically to your current occupation or a profession that you would like in the future. The program allows you a flexibility that you otherwise might not obtain from a traditional college curriculum.

The courses are taught by professors who have similar experience in your field. Many of these instructors have already published books that have received exceptional reviews. These books are based on their own success stories in the corporate world. The techniques and strategies they teach have been proven to work and have lead to new business theories and organizational change.
Impress your prospective employers with a distance learning MBA. It will put you on the cutting edge of the business market and a step ahead of the competition.

why consider MBA

Companies should seriously consider MBA if they believe they could and should be doing a better job tapping the full potential of their employees' knowledge, experience and skills in accomplishing the organization's objectives.

This belief may have arisen due to problems related to sales, product/service quality and delivery, after sales service or any of the other aspects of the organization's operations resulting in less than optimal profitability.

To the extent that these problems are rooted in "people problems", they may be the result of employees not caring about their job or the company, being unwilling to go the extra mile or take responsibility for their actions, and poor teamwork or cooperation between different teams and departments. Such employee attitudes and behaviors are typically rooted in poor communications and a lack of mutual trust and respect. In situations where communications, trust and respect are lacking, particularly between management and employees, companies invariably experience "people problems" that cause needless expense and reduce profitability. MBA is uniquely designed to address these issues.

Nevertheless, companies cite a variety of reasons for adopting MBA:



Need to improve the company’s performance: When management concludes they need the active help and involvement of the entire organization to improve the company’s performance.



Need to turnaround a negative culture: When management feel their efforts to move the company forward are being de-railed by a lack of real support or cooperation among the employees.



Realization that there has to be a better way: When management recognizes they no longer could or should carry the entire burden of responsibility for the company’s success or failure on their shoulders alone.



Belief that you get what you give: When management believes employees respond to a good work environment, challenging opportunities and an equitable compensation program by being more productive.



Desire to give something back to the employees: When management wants to reward employees by offering them a share in the company’s financial success and by providing them with opportunities to further their careers.

Many MBA companies appear to have been relatively enlightened in their management practices prior to adopting MBA but, for a variety of reasons, failed to tap the full potential of their organization’s capabilities. It’s the integration of the various management practices or components of the MBA system and the discipline demanded by the system that has the power to bring about the culture of ownership and enhanced performance.

Top ten business school

The most important criteria for evaluation for any business school are

1. Recognition by a competent authority

2. Course offered by the institution- degree/diploma

3. Infrastructure-class room,computer labs,libarary etc.

4. Competence of the faculty

5. Performance of the graduates of the institute

6. Placement record of the institution




List of the top ten business institutes in India

Indian Institute of Management - Ahmedabad (IIMA) www.iimahd.ernet.in



Indian Institute of Management - Bangalore (IIMB) www.iimb.ernet.in



Indian Institute of Management - Calcutta (IIMC) www.iimcal.ac.in



Indian Institute of Management - Lucknow (IIML) www.iiml.ac.in



Xavier's Labor Relations Institute - Jamshedpur (XLRI) www.xlri.ac.in



Indian Institute of Management - Indore (IIMI) www.iimidr.ac.in



Indian School of Business - Hyderabad (ISB) www.isb.edu



Indian Institute of Management - Kozikode (IIM-K) www.iimk.ac.in



Faculty of Management Studies- Delhi (FMS) www.fms.edu



S. P. Jain Institute of Management and Research , Mumbai (SPJIMR) www.spjimr.org

MBA Specializations

The Different Specializations available in MBA Programs


MBA in Education MBA in Criminal Justice
MBA in e-Business MBA in Education
MBA in Engineering MBA in Entrepreneurship
MBA in Executive MBA in Finance
MBA in General management MBA in Global management
MBA in Health Care MBA in Hospitality and Tourism
MBA in Human resources MBA in Information systems
MBA in Industrial management MBA in Leadership
MBA in Knowledge management MBA in Marketing
MBA in Media MBA in Nonprofit and Goverment
MBA in Organizational MBA in Sport management
MBA in Technology management MBA in Telecommunications

benefit of MBA Degree

The MBA Studies format is demanding whether you choose full time or part time. A solid preparation to each class session and class participation are strategically important as amazing amount of material is covered during each day. Teaching sessions are extremely interactive; the diversified work experience and creativity are highly valued during in-class discussions.

Professional and active attitude are expected as well within teamwork sessions. For the same reasons the MBA Programme is hands-on and well in touch with the real business world. All these add to the value and quality of the Programme. And this is why it is important to try to grab the experience others are offering; equally crucial is to forward your work experience to others. Your time spent at an MBA School will become your competitive advantage strategically and in financial terms, sooner or later.

During the MBA Studies you and your colleagues form bonds that will most probably stay forever, the outcome being, on top of everything else: "speaking the same language". This network will be fruitful throughout your working life and beyond, and often you will find your colleagues from the least expected corners of the world.

I must admit that I have only been able to fully appreciate the advantages of my MBA Studies years after my graduation; after various jobs and positions held I could fully put into practice what I had learned. I also often received help and given a helping hand to many of my MBA ex-colleagues.

Your motivation is the professional business environment, the speed with which you absorb new things, and the creativity surrounding you. If you choose the innovative school that follows the needs of the market with respect to effective business operations (for example e-commerce, telecommunications), you will learn even more and really feel at the top of the technological developments.

Anyway, what you really learn during your MBA studies is time management and prioritizing. What you should know already before coming to study an MBA, is that quality is strategically important in business life and beyond.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Eligibility Criteria for MBA Application

MBA in India

You need to have a bachelor's degree (3-year course) or equivalent in any discipline recognised by any Indian University / AICTE as eligible for post-graduate studies.

You can apply while you are in your final year of graduation. If you do get through the admission test, you will be given provisional admission on the condition that you provide your mark sheet and a certificate of passing by a certain date.


US & Europe

The basic qualifying exam for doing an MBA outside India (US, Europe, Australasia) is the GMAT (Graduate Management Aptitude Test) conducted in centers across India.
After you get your GMAT results, you need to apply for admission to specific institutes. There is normally no GD or Personal Interview process (like in India) - however, different institutes have different processes and criteria for admitting students.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

jokes

What It Means
Five year old Banty answered the door when the Census taker came by.

She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"

George and Moses
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness".

Road Repair
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."
Clean Breakfast
This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.

I bet you were mad.

Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!

The Tearful Bride
A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

Stupid Computer Tricks
- Computer manufacturers are considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

- A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

- A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

- A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

- A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

- An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

- Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

Door Signs
A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."


Helmsman Training
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

Discussion
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.

"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Good Eyes
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up.

"My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."


Deputy Gomer
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

The Mystic
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes -- so what?"

"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"
Wrong Pants
Teacher: Joey, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?

Joey: I'd have somebody else's pants on!
New Twins
Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "

Sheli: " No, what about her?"

Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."

Sheli: "That's Impossible.! How did it happen?"

Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."

Sunday, February 1, 2009

top to things

Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.

9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.

8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!

6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.

3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.

2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.

1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though).



Fast Drinker
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve soda's and starts drinking them as fast as he can. T

he bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."


Named Drink
A grasshopper goes to a bar and hops up on a stool.

The bartender is surprised to see a grasshopper and says "Say, you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Roger?"



A Writer's Allowed to Choose
A writer died, and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the hereafter, she was to be allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being very shrewd for a dead person, she asked St. Peter for a tour of both.

The first stop was hell, where she saw rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. Your typical hell scene.

"Wow, this is awful," said the writer., appalled "Let's see some heaven."

In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. It looked and smelled even worse than hell.

"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"

"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."

top to things

Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.

9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.

8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!

6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.

3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.

2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.

1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though).



Fast Drinker
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve soda's and starts drinking them as fast as he can. T

he bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."


Named Drink
A grasshopper goes to a bar and hops up on a stool.

The bartender is surprised to see a grasshopper and says "Say, you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Roger?"



A Writer's Allowed to Choose
A writer died, and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the hereafter, she was to be allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being very shrewd for a dead person, she asked St. Peter for a tour of both.

The first stop was hell, where she saw rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. Your typical hell scene.

"Wow, this is awful," said the writer., appalled "Let's see some heaven."

In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. It looked and smelled even worse than hell.

"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"

"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."